It will get better, a 2024 reflection

I read a post on TikTok where someone said "If I was offered 1 million dollars to re-do 2024, I would say 'keep your money'". At first I thought, it's 1 million, I would take it. But then when I think about what had happen in 2024, the emotional roller coaster I felt, I finally agreed with the TikTok, I would not re-do last year again. 

It's not all bad, for sure. There were a lot of great moments but there were loads of intense, uncomfortable, 'I don't like this' moments too. Probably the year I cried more than the previous years, I had many realizations and made peace with circumstances that I can't change. It took so much courage to come to terms with that.

I changed job at the end of 2023, and spent a huge chunk of early 2024 adjusting to that newness, and it was honestly brutal. I was used to a fast-paced life, but the new job was somehow a different kind of fast-paced. And because I had a few years of experience prior, there was an unspoken expectation imposed on me that I needed to meet. It was draining, and I questioned everything - whether I made a mistake by starting over, I even questioned my own ability. I thought I wasn't good enough for this role. On top of that, it was hard to make friends. It was so easy in my previous job and I don't understand why I can't replicate the same thing here. It was a lonely couple of months and it got to a point of time where I've accepted the fact that I won't be able to experience the friendship I had in ShopBack. 

But just like everything else, things thankfully get better in time. I became better at my role, in fact now, I can't believe I'm saying this -- but I can say that I love my job. Connections improved too, now I have a group of people I spend my lunch time with and for occasional after-work dinners. I understand it now that every experience will be unique. No two workplace is the same and comparing kills. I can't help but compare the old and the new, but I realized I shouldn't and I can't. When I started to let go what was out of my control, things got better. 

Mid last year I also finally had a surgery I knew I will somehow have to do in my lifetime. I can't fully disclose here what surgery it was but if you know me and ask me directly, I would gladly share. There is no shame in sharing what my body had gone through but it was definitely a pain I will never wish upon anybody. I often said that to my sister too. It's painful, some days I just need the whole day on my bed unable to stand or walk, it was even painful to lay down. Now that it's over and done with, I found a new appreciation for my body and how much it has done for me. I vow to live healthily, to take care of my body the way it as taken care of me the past 27 years.

2024 was also the year I truly let go of the relationships (yes, multiple) that was not meant for me. For a long time I tried to hold on the hope of it all, that maybe someday it will work out. It happened almost so naturally, I just stopped thinking about it. It's true when people say that moving on happens on a random Tuesday, when all of a sudden you caught yourself thinking 'I haven't thought about this person for a while now'. Then you go about your live, thinking of them less and less until one day it's just gone. I believe working on myself, understanding my own needs and nourishing relationships that truly matters helped to take my mind out of the ones that does not serve me. So honestly, good riddance.

My self-esteem was again challenged in 2024 when my skin broke out like never before. I felt like a teenager with raging hormones. But at the age of 27? It killed my self confidence. I can't tell you how there were days I could not look at myself in the mirror because I hated what I saw. My reflection. It took me months to undo everything, for my skin to get to a state where I can look into the mirror and be okay with. I'm not yet flawless, though I think I may never be, but the roughest days are over, at least. 

In reflection, last year gave me a lot of lessons that I had to learn the hard way; 

1) health is wealth. When you've tasted sickness only you'll appreciate your body and start honoring it.

2) you can't change what you can't change. Read that again. Not people, or feelings, or circumstances, or consequences. But you can change how you react to them.

3) family is the only people you can truly rely on at the end of the day. And this does not mean just blood family, but the family you choose, too.

4) there's nothing more important than yourself. To be in tune with your soul is a gift not everyone posses. Some people don't listen to their heart, mind or body. Don't know when to stop, to pause, when to steer away from something they know no longer good for them.

5) you can be selfish. In fact, you should be selfish when you need to. This goes back to (4), that you need to always put yourself first. 

6) it's okay to feel like you don't have it together sometimes. Everyone go through it. Beating yourself up won't fix anything. Take time to clear your mind and take one step at a time.

While I know I contradicted myself from my previous post where I said 2024 has been good, it was not totally a lie. If I twist everything I said up there in a positive tone, I can make it beautiful. I have a career that truthfully, I am proud of. But what people didn't know it then, was how hard it was to get to that point. The surgery I underwent took away 13 years of 'sickness' and a whole year of frequent excruciating pain, which was the biggest blessing out of the situation, but I was in pain most the year nonetheless. And I finally, finally learn to put myself first in every situations but I had to fight my bitterness, make peace with situations and forgave people who was never sorry. 

In the end, I'm glad I came out at the other end having learnt all of these and grow through them. People say at 25 your frontal lobe develops but I truly feel it at 27. I look forward to what's in store for me this year and the surprises life will bring. I hope you had a good and an eventful 2024, and may you have a better year ahead. May all your wishes and hopes and dreams come true :)