#TGIF: The job that shaped me

Everyone has specific time in their lives that they could never forget. Be it because the impact is too significant, or the memories too painful, or even too beautiful to forget. A lot of things can remind you of that time -- either a specific smell or a song, the path you often walk down or a phrase you heard on a random day, that was once an inside joke.

That time for me was when I worked at my first job. I was a waitress cum a cashier, and some days I was the bartender too, at a local chain restaurant near my house. It wasn’t money that appealed to me when I first decided to work. It was heartbreak. I was 18, fresh out of school, too heartsick to waste time at home. So instead, I decided to take a part time job to distract myself. Sounds dramatic, I know. But being that young, every feeling was amplified unnecessarily. 

If you knew me at that point of my life, you’d know that the decision was completely and utterly out of my comfort zone. Though I didn’t grew up with loads of money, I was pretty sheltered from hardwork. I didn’t have to work, if I chose not to. This experience, while it was only about 7 months of my life, didn't just teach me how exhausting it is to earn money, it taught me so much more than that.

It was my first job. My first time having people I would call coworkers, the first time I had a boss or superior and I had to learn what it means to be professional. To put personals aside and showing up at work no matter what. How to tolerate people and managing customers. Truly made me realize people who work in service are built different. These people are not my long-time friends, these are not the people I've known before and having to learn how to make new friends and connections, it was a moment of training, before the real adulthood begins. 

Not just that, it taught me real life skills. I didn't know how to mop the floor prior to this job. During my first closing shift, I had to mop the floors and my supervisor laughed at my face for my non-existent mopping skills. Who knew there's a specific way to mop the floor? I didn't, but now I do know and I am pretty good at it too. I learnt how to make teh tarik, and learnt to ensure the daily sales recorded matches with cash in the register. I learnt responsibility and attention to detail, knowing that every dime was needed to make the numbers match.

That job didn't just distract me from my heartbreak, it gave me new meaning. It showed me that my life didn't end with that break up, in fact my life was just getting started. There are so many experiences and people I have yet to meet and love. It also taught me that I will be loved again, and I will feel it this time, truly feel it. Even if it's not romantic, my life will be so full of it.

Now, every time I walk by any restaurants especially if it's a chain just like the one I worked at, I still feel a pang of nostalgia even after 11 years have passed. Experience like that will never come by twice, and at times it didn't feel real, but the lasting impact it left me and the memories I've made testified that I truly did, lived that life.

#TGIF: Things I've realized in 2026, so far

• Birthday cards will never get old 
• Iftar plans aren’t all that
• Recognising your privilege is indeed a privilege, keeps you humble 
• Money > men
• Alone you can go fast, together you can go far
• My sisters are everything to me
• Adulting is really really brutal
• You can only grow in the face of uncomfortable situations 
• Most hard things are just mental game
• Just….rely on Allah for everything. From biggest to the smallest of things
• Do it scared, do it alone, do it anyway 
• Parent’s berkat is a real, sacred thing. Protect it
• Don’t worry about spending money for family, it’ll come back to you, in ways you never imagined 
• Life is about taking risks
• Nothing in life is ever mine
• You still have so many characters you have not met in your life - that’s the exciting part!
• You really don’t know what other people are going through - the world does not revolve around you alone
• You can always start over
• It shall pass, it always does
• It’s always going to be political, whether you like or not
• It feels so nice to work with someone genuinely kind
• You have no idea how much things can change in less than a year
• There will always be people who dislike you for no reason

#TGIF: Life is short, fleeting and fragile

Life has a way to pull you back to earth, to remind you that nothing lasts, and that it’s short. A month ago I lost an uncle. He was my mom’s older brother whom we called pak andak. A death none of us saw coming. He was only 66 years old, healthy as ever. He was fit, and in fact he was casually having his weekly badminton session. It was a normal Sunday, or so we thought. 

Mama received a call from an old colleague—she and pak andak worked in the same company many years back, so they had an overlap on the people they know, which was a blessing now that I think about it because that friend didn’t know who else to call, other than Mama. 

She was told by that friend that pak andak collapsed and unconscious, and was on the way to Hospital Ampang by ambulance. She needed Mama to inform family and to share his immediate family’s contact numbers. Mama immediately contacted her siblings and asked us to get ready for the hospital. The house was a mess, as we literally just moved in the previous day. We had plans to start unpacking, and when this came up, we dropped everything and rushed to get ready. 

It was around 10+am, we didn’t even shower that morning. As I was getting ready, I looked over to Dyna and told her “Dyna, I’m scared”. “I know, I hope it’s nothing serious” was what she told me. 

Mama, Dyna & Amy took one car to leave for the hospital. I supposed to follow Kakak, with the kids in another car. A minute later Amy ran back into the house and told us “Pak andak dah tak ada”. I ran outside for Mama, found her already sobbing and wailing in the passenger’s seat. It was already hard to receive the news, but it was even harder to see Mama that way. We zoomed to the hospital that instant.

We were among the earliest to arrive and the sucky part about that is that you relive the the new a million times every time another family member arrived at the hospital. They embraced each other, hugged and cry together. Over and over. Stories going around, everyone tells each other their own version of how they received the news, where they were and what they were doing. The fact that they just saw pak ndak merely few days ago during Raya Haji. How could this happen?

I have lost a few family members, and each time brought out different types of hurt. I looked at everyone's faces that day and I can't help to feel so sad -- for my aunt who lost her husband so suddenly, my cousins who just lost a father without a proper goodbye, the grandchildren who never got to see their Atok's face for the last time, Mama and her sisters who lost yet another older brother. Now they only have one little brother left to fend for them, six ladies. They are grown adults, but I don't see that version, somehow. They flock together, consoling each other, trying to be strong despite the shock and deep grief.

I think about my own siblings. No matter how old I am now or how old I will be, the thought of losing one of my sisters is unbearable. It must've felt the same for Mama and her siblings. He is known as the protective brother from the stories I've heard, anecdotes from when Mama & her sisters grew up. Seeing them that day reminded me that no matter how old we become, there are some relationships that never stop making us feel like children.

None of us had any idea that our lives would forever changed by noon, on what we thought just another typical Sunday. Truly, death has a way to make you realize how fleeting life actually is and tomorrow is never promised.

#TGIF: Some Days

Some days it feels so near,

Other days it feels like a million light-years away.

Some days it feels possible,

Other days I am convinced it's not in the cards for me.

Some days I crave it,

Other days I feel I am better off without it.

Some days I look up at the sky and wish upon a shooting star,

Other days I barely think about it, as though my life was always meant to be this way.

Some days my chest fills with hope so huge I might collapse,

Other days I feel lucky that I still get to be selfish with my time and energy.

- AZ

#TGIF: Change #2

I am writing this from my new room, in our newly moved-in house. I wrote about how much change I am experiencing currently and even though the changes were anticipated, it was an adjustment regardless. I have moved house a number of times, but this time around, it's different. This move was a deliberate decision made by the three of us - Amy, Dyna and myself. Many asked, why move again? 

Don't get us wrong, we loved our old house. We lived there for 7 whole years, went through COVID-19 in that house, couped up all five of us in that 1,200 sq feet home for months on end. That house held a special place in our hearts but then again, we have outgrown that house. It feels extra to say this but we all needed our own spaces. Me and Dyna have been sharing room since we were kids, and we're pushing 30, we still sleep in the same room! Since none of us have any plans on moving out on our own or get married anytime soon, we thought finding a home that fits us all and gives us a bit more space, would be the right move.

Finding the right home was not easy too. We had specific criteria when surveying for potential house. The location, neighborhood, accessibility, the cost, how much work we would have to do after moving in, etc etc. The house has to also be the right place for our parents. We spent a few months surveying, until we finally decided on this specific house. It was honestly, love at first sight. The house felt right from the get-go. Alhamdulillah.

The moving process, was another challenge for us. You have no idea how much money involved, until you were the one responsible for it. The cost for the new house, patching up the old house, lorry, paint, furniture, decorations, you name it. It forced all three of us to lock in to plan for our financial and break out of our comfort zone in so many ways. As we started packing up and clearing our stuff, we thought we should sell our clothes instead of giving them away. The next thing I know we were full on selling at carboot sales & flea markets! 

We had so much fun the first time that we did it again for several weekends after. Now it's going to be something we will do when we have available weekends and we get money out of it with little to no cost at all, it's win-win. As much as it was fun, the whole thing was also very very tiring. Taxing on my body. With selling and moving, and mentally challenged at work with my new brand, I was stretched in so many different ways,

But that's what change does to you. It puts you in uncomfortable situations, it stretches and remold you completely that you will come out of it different, but better. I was tired all the time, I still am but that hard month will be the month I look back to and am so proud that I held on and I came out of it unscathed. 

#TGIF: Short story #1

The flowers died on Monday.

She noticed it before she even got out of bed. The calla lilies on her bedside table, once tall and proud and impossibly white, had begun to droop at their stems. The petals, soft and waxy when he first placed them in her hands, now curled inward like they were folding into themselves. Giving up, quietly.

He had given them to her just a fortnight ago, for their third wedding anniversary.

She remembered the way he held them out to her, a little sheepish, a little proud. Calla lilies, she never thought she would grow a preference for any particular flowers. They are all the same to her. But his first bouquet for her was Calla lilies, it became her favourite since.

~~~

She had met him four years ago, though "met" felt like too strong a word for what it was.

She was at a conference. One of those multi-day affairs held at a famous hotel, the kind with marble floors and a lobby that echoed. He was there for a meeting, unrelated entirely, just passing through the same stretch of corridor at the same time. Their eyes caught for a second, maybe two. A nod. A small smile. The kind you offer a stranger when eye contact goes on just a beat too long. Then they both walked on.

She did not think anything of it. Why would she?

Who knew, five months later, they would be destined to meet again.

It was a coffee shop she had never stepped foot in before, not until that day. But it was his usual place. He saw her first. She was at the counter, busy ordering, completely in her own world. He walked over and introduced himself. There was a flash of something on her face, a flicker of recognition, before it all clicked into place. She had seen him before. Many months ago, in a hotel corridor. She had almost forgotten he existed.

They made small talk. Exchanged contacts. The rest was history.

~~~

She never quite understood how people could marry someone after knowing them so briefly. It always seemed reckless to her, a little foolish. But after meeting him, she understood. Everything just made sense. He was everything she had wanted, everything she had needed, and she understood then why she'd had to wait so many years. Why she had to go through so many heartbreaks. The broken roads were only ever leading her to him.

She was 33 when they got married.

They were not rushing to have children. But after a year of marriage, it was still nothing. Her period came each month like clockwork. Month after month, she bled. Her husband never once pressured her, never questioned why it had not happened yet. He held her when she was down. He would take one glance at her and already know. He would run her a bath, cook her favourite meals, make sure she was comfortable. He is an angel, she thought. How could she have gotten so lucky?

Two years in, still nothing. He seemed content with just the two of them, but she was not. Not completely. She dreamed of a family. A few children of their own. She wanted that lineage, of him, carried forward. Despite all of it, he remained supportive and loving. He never once made her feel like she was lacking. In his eyes, she was perfect.

Before their third anniversary, they decided to try for IVF. She had brought it up, and he agreed without hesitation. They celebrated the anniversary with a renewed hope between them. That someday, there would no longer be just the two of them. They would become three, and then four, and maybe five. Who knows. She could not stop smiling that whole day when he agreed.

[to be continued]

#TGIF: Change

I know I have been really bad at keeping up with weekly writing and it's all on me. I've committed on posting every Friday, but lately it has been challenging to keep up with it. So I am gonna cheat a little here by posting a TGIF post on a Sunday. It felt like the right thing to do instead of waiting for the next Friday.

I am going through a lot of changes in life currently and more changes to come that I can already anticipate. I will tell more about all of them but for now I will share one thing.

Some of you may already know what I do but essentially I am in Account managing/brand consulting. Since I joined the company, I have been managing the same brand, the same client for over 2 years. It wasn’t easy at first but after 2 years? I knew it like the back of my hand. I had real good relationship with the people I worked with for the brand. The client too. We were in sync.

One person can say something, and I knew it they meant immediately. I know where things start and where they end. We've had multiple wins together that honestly one of the highlights of my career. I was really happy with how things were going, until the rug was pulled out from under me.

I was promoted (Alhamdulillah, really) and was moved into a team where I am more needed. Not into a stable team, but into the team that is still becoming. Before moving, everyone who knew I will make the move wishes me “good luck” because the team is very much known for chaos.

But there are two things you need to know about me though, and they are;

1. I like to prove people wrong
2. I would not believe hearsay, until I experience it myself - be it with people or situations/experiences

As I've become more senior in my role and the company, I know there are a certain expectations in place. I too, have expectations for myself. And I've said this before, that I am my biggest critique. So yes, I was a little hard on myself these past 2 weeks. I wanted to know things fast, gets frustrated when I can't contribute, when it was really only my second day into the new team & learning new brand.

What exactly did I expect?

I am not going to lie, I did feel the chaos and it was not just because I was new, but the situation has always been a little chaotic. The fire-fighting and problem solving are constant. In the last 2 weeks, I felt like all of my brain juices were squeezed dry every day that when I leave the office, I can only think of going to bed and rest. Because I know, I have to do this all over again tomorrow.

It put me in such a slump, it was hard to keep my social life going too. I didn't have the energy to reply to messages, let alone brain storm a blog post. I am just praying that things will stabilize soon, so I can be here more often and be creative again. But you'll know how it goes. If you see me back here next Friday, that means I had time and brain capacity to write. And maybe, just maybe - I am alright after all.

#TGIF: Things I actually can't stand

• Someone only finding me when they need something
• Passive aggressiveness - especially when I have been nothing but nice
• Feeling obliged to people-please all the time - my own issue
• Using "kau/aku" with me when we're not super close. I find it rude.
• Waking up late - myself, not other people
• Mansplaining
• Cancelling plans, multiple times
• Excessive complains
• Moodiness - I even can't stand my own mood swing most times
• Messy space - maybe this is what aging does to you
• Over-accommodating - I get uncomfortable when people over-accommodating for me
• Humble bragging - It's better if you just full on brag, honestly
• Anyone seeing my kindness as weakness
• People seeing my ambitiousness as something I should be ashamed of
• Temperature below 18 degree Celsius
• Cursing in every sentence like it's their top vocabulary
• Over-promising, under-delivering
• People who won't fill empty spaces in the train
• People who thinks they are incapable of great things - human is God's best creation, what do you mean you are incapable???
• Loud munching
• People who interrupt other people talking - please learn manners

#TGIF: Believing in God's perfect timing

It's really easy to think that life is unfair, especially if you believe you have done everything right, but things are still not happening for you. Why them, why not me? I have done everything right. When is my turn?

I've had my fair share of feeling like life was not on my side. I thought, I have ticked all the boxes, but why is it still not happening? It can be crushing, thinking, Am I being punished? Or is something wrong with me?

You can find many lectures and videos, and they would all tell you the same thing: Time will tell. Eventually your time will come. Stop worrying so much. God will give in His perfect timing. 

Truthfully, as much as I do believe in Allah's timing, I won't lie that I struggle to fully accept it. I keep trying to repeat, "I plan, but Allah is the best of planners. I have dreams, but Allah knows best," hoping it will eventually carve itself into my mind. This is one of those things where it is much easier said than done.

So what helps?

As difficult as it is, we can't call ourselves believers without believing in His divine plans. What helped me was to look back at things that didn't go my way, and remind myself that yes, eventually it made sense why they were delayed. I finally see the wisdom behind every delay, every reroute, every rejection. It was proven once, and it will happen again. And again. And again.

Recently, it happened to me. I had this one dream, something I had been wanting to do for a long time. I prayed for it during rounds of tawaf, in my tahajjud, had it on my Ramadan du'a list. I put in the effort, I went through with what was necessary, I tried, and I left it to Him. Turned out, I was rejected.

I was bummed, to say the least. It made me feel incapable for a while. Voices in my head said things like, "How dare you even try? You really think you have what it takes?" Then another voice of reason came in to pacify me, telling me I should not give up. Maybe the time wasn't right. It would have been too soon, and would have caused too much change.

The thing is, it was easy to give up. I could have dropped it right there and never tried again. But it's something I had been wanting to do for a long time. There is a saying: "If it's your calling, it will keep on calling" and I held on to that. A few months later, I braved myself to try again. I went through the same process, with a much bigger case of impostor syndrome this time, because I knew I could get rejected again. And if I was rejected, would I go for a third time? What if I'm not meant to do this at all, what happens then?

I reminded myself of one more thing: if Allah moves your heart to pray for something, it means He wants to grant it to you. So I believed. I believed He would open ways for me. I believed He would grant me this dream, and everything else I have ever wanted, at the perfect time. I believed He would not disappoint me. Not once, not ever.

He heard me and I was accepted.

Sometimes that's all it takes. And a little bit of delusion.

#TGIF: Keeping myself to myself

I am back. I skipped TGIF for 3 weeks now, and I had my reason why. Life was not all happy lately and most of that was just internal battle I had with myself. I had to take time off from writing, from social media and I've even ignored group messages. I looked all fine outwardly, but was in my head, most days. And because I haven't been posting awhile, I decided not to wait until 8pm to release this entry.

For this week's post, I saw an entry on Substack regarding this topic and it inspired me to write my own take on it. I thought it's quite fitting for my current situation too. In today's world, it's very common and considered normal to share your life online. Every part of it, like it was demanded. But the older I get, the more I understand the value of privacy. Yes, I do write on here a lot, I make myself available, like I am an open book. Anyone can come in here and read my thoughts, but just like any other social media platforms, I choose what I share and what allow people to know. Most times, I talk in cryptic, sharing without actually telling you exactly what it is. I found that helpful for me to be honest, without any personal information.

It's in the feelings and emotions, not details.

Funny how it’s a more rare for someone to not have any social media presence than to have one. Like it’s so normal to share our lives to the world and it’s weird when we’re being too closed off. Question is, why have we become this way? Despite me being very online, I do envy people who can keep it really lowkey. You see them posting maybe once a quarter, popping out randomly to share usually something really significant, then they will vanish again into thin air. I used to wonder, where did they get that much willpower to stay away from social media?

Then life took place and growing up happened, I became one of them too.

There's a certain beauty in letting people in, just enough to leave a lasting impression, but not enough that they could tear you apart. Not enough that you have nothing else to keep for yourself. People will always form a certain perception from the slither of your life you share online, and they are often skewed and incorrect. That's a risk, but you just have to live with it and not let other people's perception of you define who you are, or how you should show up.

For me, keeping it within myself is also to avoid talking too much, which can lead to boasting, comparing, and worse, self-sabotaging. I think it's easy to go both ways; either thinking too highly of yourself, or feeling like you're behind everybody else. It can hurt. While I am my own biggest cheerleader, I am also my own worst enemy. I am too, my own biggest critique. I can't help the nagging voice in my head that sometimes uplifting, but often times questioning.

What are you doing?
Why are you so behind?
You still haven't done that yet?
See what everybody else is up to, and look at you!

The good thing is, I am always aware what these voices are and how not to let it get to me.

At the end of the day, no one knows me well enough like I know myself.
No one would root for me the way I would root for me.
No one would cheer me on, and believe in me the way I do.
No one has bigger dream for me, other than myself.
No one else could save me, no one is a better company but my own self and thoughts.

You can trust a few with your dirty laundry, I have my people too. But for the most part, I am the only one I have on my side. Through everything. It's the art of keeping yourself, exclusively to yourself. Your inner thoughts, your deepest scars, your wildest dreams. While it is fun to overshare, thinking everyone is interested in your live, I believe keeping some things to yourself, and no other souls know, is special.

#TGIF: 15 seasons of us

15 trips around the sun
That doesn’t feel like a long time
’Cause all we had was a good time
Not realising how much time has passed by

Funerals, graduations, weddings
The birth of a new member
Promotions and housewarmings
I’ve seen it all through the years

Through drought and rain

Through tears and cries

Never once wavered 
Choosing to stay despite it all

Thank you for growing up
And growing old with me

Chasing rainbows and sunsets
Through all of my seasons

Till our hair greys

Till our children grow
For 15 trips now

And 15 trips more

-AZ