#TGIF: It will all work out

As how it has always been, I tend to write about what recently just happened in my life, so naturally, I will be talking about my recent Umrah trip in this entry. I won't be saying much though because there are a lot to say, but I do want to share a lesson I have learnt through all these processes; is first and foremost, to trust in Allah's plans. 

I can't tell you how long have I been dreaming to step foot in Masjidil Haram. To see the Kaabah with my own two eyes, to pray in there, to just...stare at the Kaabah. I have wanted to go since I was 16-17 years old, when I just started my hijrah journey (and I am still on that journey, will always be). After a while, I didn't think I would be given the rezeki to go if I'm being honest but that's the part where I was wrong. I was wrong to think so negatively instead of continue to pray and hope and work towards it. 

To think about it, I believe Allah called me to His house at the perfect time, when I am most definitely needed it, and when I could appreciate every moment I spend there. I traced back to the doa I sent to some friends that went for Umrah before I did from years ago up until recently, and how I would always include this same doa over and over again, which was for Allah to invite me too. Alhamdulillah, He answered.

List of prayers I sent to a classmate in 2014.

September 2023

December 2024

It was in December last year that my sister and I thought, let's plan this seriously. We booked our spot in December last year, to finally go 9 months after. It was lengthy, but the only way we could work it out. That's when I thought, wishing and praying is only one part of it, but taking actual and real steps towards going is completely another. And you need both. Allah memampukan orang yang dijemputNya. But you need to put real effort, while praying Allah ease them all for you.

Alhamdulillah, I am back in Malaysia now, having tons to reflect, and a lot more to be grateful for. Will share more stories and reflections in coming entries. Until then ;) 

#TGIF: My favourite prayers

By the time this is posted, I am in Makkah to perform my first Umrah. This is also why I thought this would be the right topic to write about. It might feel a little performative, but I also want to share something beneficial while I’m in this holy place, in hopes that you could incorporate them into your daily lives too and became a form of jariah for me, InshaAllah.

I've started building a small habit of listening to morning zikir a while ago as I get ready, usually during work days. Some of the zikir in my rotation are:

• Doa Pagi - Specifically by Munif Ahmad (Hijjaz)
• Selawat Tafrijiyyah
• Zikir Taubat (only recently added to the rotation)
• Sayyidul Istighfar (also new)
• Qunut Nazilah
• Doa Dhuha (one of my favourite to "sing" to, lol)

I play these while getting dressed and doing my makeup. They help to quiet my anxiety, especially if I know the week ahead is packed. I try to keep up with this most days, though sometimes I skip and watch vlogs or listen to songs instead (balance, right?).

When I’m leaving the house (or while in the car), these are the doa I recite (in exact order) for protection and ease in my affairs;

1) بِسْمِ اللهِ تَوَكَّلْتُ عَلَى اللهِ وَلَا حَوْلَ وَلَا قُوَّةَ إِلَّا بِاللهِ

In the name of Allah, I place my trust in Allah, and there is no power nor might except with Allah.

2) رَبِّ يَسِّرْ وَلَا تُعَسِّرْ رَبِّ تَمِّمْ بِالْخَيْرِ

My Lord, make it easy and do not make it difficult. My Lord, make it end well.

3) اللَّهُمَّ لَا سَهْلَ إِلَّا مَا جَعَلْتَهُ سَهْلًا، وَأَنْتَ تَجْعَلُ الْحَزْنَ إِذَا شِئْتَ سَهْلًا

O Allah, there is nothing easy except what You make easy, and You make difficulty, if You wish, easy.

4) يَا حَيُّ يَا قَيُّومُ بِرَحْمَتِكَ أَسْتَغِيثُ أَصْلِحْ لِي شَأْنِي كُلَّهُ وَلَا تَكِلْنِي إِلَى نَفْسِي طَرْفَةَ عَيْنٍ

O Ever-Living, O Self-sustaining, and All-sustaining, by Your mercy I seek help; rectify all my affairs and do not leave me in charge of my affairs even for the blink of an eye.

5) Bismillah 5

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمَانِ الرَّحِيْم

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

بِسْمِ اللهِ الشَّافِي

In the name of Allah, the Healer

بِسْمِ اللهِ الْكَافِي

In the name of Allah, the Sufficient

بِسْمِ اللهِ الْمُعَافِي

In the name of Allah, the One who grants well-being

بِسْمِ اللهِ الَّذِي لَا يَضُرُّ مَعَ اسْمِهِ شَيْءٌ فِي الْأرْضِ وَلَا فِي السَّمَاءِ وَهُوَ السَّمِيْعُ الْعَلِيْم

In the name of Allah, with whose name nothing in the earth nor in the heavens can cause harm, and He is the All-Hearing, All-Knowing.

6) Doa Nabi Sulaiman

إِنَّهُ مِن سُلَيْمَانَ وَإِنَّهُ بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَنِ الرَّحِيمِ

It is from Solomon, and it reads: ‘In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.’ (Surah An-Naml: 30)

Doa Nabi Sulaiman is what I call magic doa. If you have difficulty dealing with people -- either your boss, clients, peers, colleagues, read this! And set the right intentions for Him to ease your affairs.

I read these with firm belief that Allah will take care of everything -- my life, my job, my safety, and my sustenance. It feels odd to miss this routine, and when I do, I can tell: the day feels heavier and harder to get through.

Lastly, in the final sujud of my prayers, I make this doa: 

رَبِّ إِنِّي لِمَا أَنْزَلْتَ إِلَيَّ مِنْ خَيْرٍ فَقِيرٌ

My Lord, truly I am in need of whatever good You send down to me. (Surah Al-Qasas: 24)

This doa is very popular for finding jodoh, but I've practice this since I was probably 19, no jodoh in sight just yet, but this doa opened so many different doors for me instead! 

Hope this benefit some of you, and please pray for my health while I am here ;)

#TGIF: Recent thoughts

I am about to give you access into my mind, the thoughts I have as of late without giving any context on what it might be about.

• There are truly only a handful of people you can trust with your secrets
• Some things really not worth investing time and energy for
• Just say yes to that invitation
• God’s timing is always right even if you can't see it right now
• Having new circle of friends is not a form of betrayal
• This too shall pass
• If you can’t change it, let go of it
• It’s not you, it’s them but sometimes it’s not them, it’s actually you
• I am very chalant
• I wish I am heartless but I am not
• Good manners and attitude will take you anywhere
• Having a growth mindset makes things 50% easier
• Self love is deeper than manicures and facials
• Some crowd will never be your kind of crowd and that’s okay
• The best outfit you can wear is confidence
• I will figure it out. I always do
• I hope Papa will live a long life to be my wali
• Yes, I am skinny unwillingly - tell me how to gain healthy weight
• Why do I need to think too deep about everything?! 
• Feeling both in control and out of control at the same time
• Conrad. Freaking. Fisher
• What do you do when you feel so frustrated, you don't wanna do it but also so guilty, that you have to do it?
• Hope is a heartache
• Would be nice to still have my nenek around

#TGIF: The mysteries of life

I thought I hit my peak at 18 for reasons so trivial and unimportant, now that I think about it. I have always excelled my papers, I figured the path I wanted to pursue, so I thought I had my life planned out. Silly how I thought I was so set and knew the trajectory of my life that young. But suddenly life threw a curveball, I had to restart, refigure life all over again. 

Then, I thought people in general peak at 25. Aren’t we supposed to graduate and choose the career path we want to go in, find the love of our lives and start a family? I waited for my time to come, and the clock continued ticking, only to soon realize my life does not fit that timeline. What am I supposed to do now? Have I figured everything wrong? Nothing was going right, at least not like how I wanted it to be.

For a few years my spirit, deep down dampen. I was anxious, and scared that I will spend my life just settling. For a degree I did not account for, job I didn't plan for, a life path so far off my plans. I did not see how I could grow out of the life I thought was a ‘failure’. It was hard. With everyone reminding me who I was ‘supposed to be’. 

It was not until I realized I am more than the person I boxed myself into. I have potential for anything and everything. Only if I allow myself to explore, to learn and to try. I failed once, and my life did not end there. What’s worst could happen? Something not working out is not a failure, it’s growth. It’s prove that you have tried and you have lived.

It's the mysteries of live that makes life exciting. Same goes to human connections. You know how people say you have not met everyone that you’ll love. How true is that? Never in my life I thought I could find a deep friendship connection with other people outside of my 6 main girl friends, but I did nonetheless. They all serve different purposes in my life. At times I found myself mapping out the people in my life — what lessons and purpose does this person bring to my life? It’s important for me to ensure I don’t get too carried away or overly obsessing over a connection, or expecting more out of it. Even if it’s platonic. Especially if it’s platonic.

The mysteries of life is the best part of living, that my life and yours are still unfolding, unraveling day by day. Don’t give up in finding your purpose. It may be so far off your plans, or your dreams. But you need to have a deep realization that you are exactly where you need to be. Nowhere else. Here, reading this entry too. Your life if not stagnant, it has not peaked like you thought you may have past it. Only so if you see it that way, if you have settled and given up trying. As long as you keep pushing through the boundaries, challenging yourself, your life will have so much to offer you in return.

p/s: Happy salt air and the rust on your door to those celebrating!

#TGIF: The art of noticing and being

My daily routine includes waiting for bus to the train station with my coffee cup.

Little things that matter to me includes;

• Slow mornings
• Bus arriving on time
• Free snacks from kind souls
• Take out dinners
• Sudden inspiration to write
• Homecooked meals
• Alone time while commuting to work
• Waking up early on my own
• Flexible working hour
• The smell of rain
• A good night's sleep
• Someone sending me home after a night out
• Strangers returning smile
• First sip of coffee in the morning
• Getting home before it's dark outside
• Getting a seat in the train
• Someone listening intently to me
• Regulated nervous system
• Actually having appetite to eat
• Meaningful conversations
• Belly laughs (mine or others')

p/s: a simple post this week, heavier topic next week!

#TGIF: About nostalgia and past life

There was a time in my life when I thought we had found our forever home. A place where we could settle down, where us four sisters could grow up, and one day bring our children back to that home -- a place they could call their “kampung.” For the sake of this story, I’ll call this neighbourhood Moongate.

We moved into Moongate when I was seven. Before that, we were always KL people. It was a new neighbourhood for us, and Kajang in general was unfamiliar. But Moongate became home for most of my childhood. I grew up there and made so many momentous, lasting memories playing with the neighbourhood kids.

At the time, Kajang was still developing. An outskirt town that felt far and removed from the KL I knew. But the neighbours made us feel welcomed from the very first day. I remember even before we officially moved in, we’d spend our weekends cleaning the house or supervising renovations. We would see the kids playing in the streets. They’d watch us curiously as we were the 'outsiders'. Their mothers would come introduce themselves to my parents, and they were all so warm, friendly, and welcoming right from the start.

The memories I have from those ten years in Moongate will never leave me. School holidays were the best. We spent every weeknight and weekend outside playing. We made up our own version of Explorace, biked to neighbouring taman, and even camped (real tents and all) in my next-door neighbour’s one-car garage. I learned to play badminton, galah panjang, baling selipar, and so many other games. We were all trained to be active because most games were physical. There were more than twenty of us, all different ages but incredibly close. I loved those days.

Eventually, we had to move out of Moongate. I was seventeen, and to my own surprise, I wasn’t sad to leave. During those ten years, many things happened within the family, and I had grown to hate the house. I was ready to move on and start fresh elsewhere. We had all grown up, many of us had drifted apart, and it didn’t feel like there was anything left to miss. Since then, we’ve moved three times, even left Kajang for a while before eventually coming back. This town will always feel like home, even if the houses have changed.

Two weeks ago, we attended a wedding in Moongate. A neighbourhood kid I used to see all the time, now married. When was the last time you went to a wedding held in a neighbourhood? It’s such a lost tradition, but in Moongate, it’s still alive. I was left in awe of how everyone came together to make the celebration happen. They’re not related by blood, yet they are family. These are people who have watched each other’s kids grow up, graduate, move out, and get married.

It made me realise: this is what it means to be neighbours. This is what my family and I lost when we moved out. The people of Moongate are still as warm and welcoming as ever -- but I don’t share the same deep bond, the kind of found-family connection that they’ve built together over the years. I looked over to the house we spent many years in while I was there, the memories immediately played out before my eyes. It was nostalgic, to be back there. To be reminded of how I loved the people, the memories, and how much time has passed since.

#TGIF: You can do anything

You never know the kind of pain you're able to overcome
You never know the kind pressure you're able to face
You never know the kind of kindness you deserve to receive
You never know the kind of love you're able to experience
You never know how high you can climb
You never know how far you can run
You never know how fast you can race
You never know how much you can grow
It's hard to see the other end when you don't have the right faith
In yourself. In your circumstance.

It's easy to give up and accept "fate"
From the spot you thought is final, prophesied, fated for you
Until you experience the other extreme, you will realise

You can overcome anything
You can handle so much pressure and not break
You are deserving of so much love and kindness
You can get to the summit
You can win the race
You are able to outgrow this box you are in

Only if you believe in yourself enough to start making that leap of faith

You can
If anyone else have done it, achieve it, concur it
What makes you think you can't?

- AZ

#TGIF: I am rooting for you, always

What makes you stand out isn't your success or the accolades you receive.

It's your empathy, your willingness to listen, and genuine care for others.

It's the light you bring into every room and the comfort you provide in times of need.

Disclaimer, this entry is going to be messy and everywhere and possibly, non cohesive so please bare with me. 

Last week I wrote about how lately I have been feeling so overwhelmed professionally. How work has been tough, and demanding and I’m struggling to make sense of everything. At times I feel I’m on autopilot, just cruising through day to day, figuring things one step at a time. 

And because I feel overwhelmed, I sense my team feels the same. At least some degree of it. So, I took time this week to speak to them separately. To hear what they have to say, and at the same time, to share my own struggles. As steady and as calm they see me, I am internally struggling too. I believe it’s alright to be vulnerable even in front of people you’re supposed to act cool. It shows that you are human after all. 

Through listening, I felt appreciated. Through understanding, I felt validated. Through problem solving, I was injected with a new sense of purpose. I was reminded again on why I am here, why I do what I do and it makes all the struggles, the overwhelming feeling and headache so so worth it. Our relationship is symbiotic. They need me just as much as I need them. 

After the call I was washed with contentment and immense gratitude as I realise — this is a part of growth I wanted. This is the kind of influence I hoped to have on my life in general, but specifically in my career. I wanted to be able to look back and know that I have left a mark, imprints of my contributions visible in the people I’ve worked with. Hoping they will carry that in their next chapter too. The knowledge that I am an added value and a positive influence to someone’s career, or better yet — someone’s life. 

2 years ago, I couldn’t even imagine myself being in this position. Leading, mentoring, steering the ship. It happened so effortlessly I didn’t even notice until I stop and look back at how much things changed. Grateful and gratitude couldn’t even begin to describe what exactly I’m feeling. It’s so many emotions. I have hopes so big for each of them. Their success will feel like my own and I foresee that I will cheer for them for many, many years to come. 

p/s: I know I use em dash (—) in my entry, I promise you, it’s my writing, no ChatGPT here. Need to make this clear, lol.

#TGIF I am beaten: reflecting on life lately

credit @disruptiveberlin

I am going to be that girl now, I want to complain. I want to vent and I want to tell everybody that I am tired. These past few weeks has been so tough at work, and my health was not cooperating too. In fact, I think my body was reacting to the pressure. I was sick for three whole weeks, I was absent from the office more days in the last 3 weeks than I've done all year. It was tough to be fully present when work was at the same time, demanding. 

It got to a point where even my empathy can't catch up with me, it was out the window. I wasn't mean necessarily, but it did feel like I was passing my stress down. The 'if I'm pressured, you have to feel the same' kind of thing. Now I understand how pressure can cascade down, to the people you're working with. Which is not fair, when it's my own emotions I can't manage. I felt guilty, but I also can't help it.

The thing is, I do understand that this difficult is needed. The reality of striving for the life you wanted is having to accept what comes with it. You just don’t realize how much you need to sacrifice. It's going to be uncomfortable and overwhelming and stressful. Having to trade free time, comfort, peace of mind, for a more chaotic, stressful and demanding life. But in the end, it’s still something you really want, in hopes it will all be worth it. 

But then again, how dare I feel this way? Complaining when this is a privilege -- to feel tired from the job I love, to be overwhelmed by workload and responsibilities that I prayed for. It's a constant war in my mind between feeling grateful but still could not help to whine. I have to remember that this is temporary, it will be insignificant in three months. I won't remember any of this and I will be glad I pushed through. A girl can't help but to complain a little.

#TGIF Books that left a mark

I am not going to sit here and act like I've read many books or that I am such an avid reader. I am not. I am in fact, a slow reader, I take my time when it comes to reading. I at most read 3 books a month, but usually only one. That means, I have not read that many books to be qualified to pick 5 best books to recommend to you. So I will preface this, you can take my recommendations, or you don't. No hard feelings.

The books I'm going to list down are the books that 1) I wish I can read again and feel the same impact it gave me. 2) Impacted me in different ways, either hits way too close to home or guided me through specific time of my life. Books should be able to speak to you, describes feelings you can't find words to. These books did that for me. Naturally, these are my 5-star rated books.

1) Khaled Hosseini - The Kite Runner

Is it even a valid list if there are no Khaled Hosseini in the list? It can't be. I have read all of his books, including the short poem and I can confidently say, The Kite Runner is my favourite of his. Like on top, for real. It touches on friendship, betrayal and loyalty so deep and so pure that you can physically feel the pain the characters feel. 

Not only that, the writing is just so complete. I don't know how else do I describe it, but I can tell you one thing -- every scene in this book is intentional. You will find the relation and the purpose of why that scene was written. Every single word, adds up to the plot. It's such a perfect book. A classic. Will always recommend it.

One thing I truly love about KH's books are the scenery he paints. I have never been to Afghanistan, and probably never will but I feel connected to Kabul, the capital, through his books. It's true that people say reading can take you places you've never been to. And I believe Afghan was such a beautiful place before the war and political turmoil. It probably still is a magical place, for all I know.

2) Khaled Hosseini - A Thousand Splendid Suns

Have you seen the rave for this book? As a woman, I would absolutely urge women to read this book. But beyond that, men please read this book too. You will understand unspoken struggles women go through, of course in Afghanistan will be different circumstances, but generally, it gives you the idea of how women are often seen, or expected to be and behave. 

KH write this book like he actually live as a woman, which blows my mind how articulate and spot on he is with the reality of being a woman. Even in this day and age where it should be 'modern' per say, there are still underlying expectations and discrimination women face.

Another thing I really admire about KH's writing and it's super consistent across all his books is how he able to write a story that goes on for years. All three of his novels follows the characters from childhood to old age and you still able to stay engaged and interested. He gets you so freaking invested with the characters. 

3) Coco Mellors - Blue Sisters

I have previously talked about this book in another entry. What else do I say? I have not changed my mind on this book, and I get sad when other people did not find this book as good as I did. But somehow I do understand because not everyone can relate to the life of having sisters. 

This book is deeply relatable to me, and it is because I live with sisters. 4 sisters, just like the book. I understand the grief, the dynamic of having sisters and how you can be so different from each other but so damn connected at the same time. There is no connection in this world is as strong and solid as sisters relationship. You can ignore it all you want, but it's always going to be there.

I saw a tiktok about the person saying, your relationship with your siblings is even stronger than of you & your parents. This is because, you are only half of each your parent, but you are 100% your siblings. I was left in awe at that discovery, it's so obvious, but I have never see it that way. It's so true though. My sisters are everything to me.

4) Allison Trowbridge - Twenty Two: Letters to a Young Woman Searching for Meaning

I read this when I was 25 going 26, I think but the contents of this book hits too close to home. I was feeling a little bit lost and behind during that year of my life. Reading this book feels like a big sister talking to me that it's okay not having it all figured out yet. 

We all are so used to chasing and running towards specific end goal, we berate ourselves when we didn't get there fast enough, or within the timeline that we planned. Truth is, we are exactly where we needed to be. You are meant to be here, you are meant to 'be late' and 'behind'. If we remove our hold on where we're supposed to be but just enjoy the journey of becoming, we would find a lot more meaning in everything that we do -- every bumps, dead ends and redirections will make sense. 

5) Dolly Alderton - Everything I know about Love

First of all, I wish I could be Dolly's pet sister. I am not even kidding. Having her as a sister would be so fun, and insightful. Reading her books also feels like talking to a big sister. She's funny, wise and relatable as hell.

This book talks about her experience of finding love in her 20s and along the way realizing that everything she needs to know about love, she actually is learning them from her relationships with her female friends. It highlights how having female friends enrich her lives in so many ways, so uplifting and fulfilling. I had to stop a few times while reading this books because it's so relatable to me. I am not in any romantic relationships and yes, I am open to it but at the same time I have this lifelong female friendship that has been my source of contentment for years now. Without me realizing it, they give me everything I needed, they taught me all I needed to know, they raised the bar for me, they set a standard so high that is pretty impossible for any men to match. Sorry, not sorry.

This book shed a new light, it expresses perfectly of how I feel about my female friendship, make me recognize the things I have not recognized before and make me appreciate my girlfriends in more ways than I already have.

#TGIF The family I chose

I'm going to be honest with you: I’ve been putting off writing this for a few weeks now. I kept finding other topics to write about instead. Not because this one isn’t important, it's quite the opposite. It’s so important to me that I wanted to write it right. But no matter how much thought I put into it, I don’t think anything I write can truly encapsulate how I feel about my female friends.

If you follow me on my other platforms, you probably already know that I talk about my girlfriends all the time. Some might even say I overshare. But for a long time, it didn’t occur to me that what I have with them is rare. That not everyone gets to experience a friendship like this -- a support system, a constant, a chosen family. And some days, I catch myself marveling at the rarity of it. Because let’s be honest: it’s not easy to find even one friend you can click with, let alone a group you grow with, evolve with, and still hold onto after all these years.

I’m not going to sugarcoat things and pretend we haven’t had our rough patches. We’ve disagreed, drifted apart, even stopped talking for months at one point. Especially during the transition from adolescence to adulthood, when we started to take different paths -- different universities, different friends, new environments. For a while, it felt like we were speaking different languages. But even then, we always found our way back to each other. We always chose to come home to this friendship. At least that's how I felt.

I  think often about how different I would be if I didn’t have them. Especially in those fragile years where you’re trying to figure out who you are, what you believe, and where you’re headed. They’ve been there through all of it. We’ve witnessed each other’s growing pains, celebrated so many firsts together, and shared milestones that have shaped us. I've seen the girls get married, found the love of their lives, get promoted, moved to new places and recently, gave birth. And the most exciting part is? There’s still so much more ahead of us.

As I grow older, I have that fear at the back of my mind that we would outgrow each other somehow. But then I look at us, the foundation we've built, the effort we've put into this friendship (now more than ever) to constantly show up and be in each other's lives and the times we could have drifted and we didn't, it restored my faith. 

This friendship has been the grounding force in my life. It’s influenced how I think, what I value, and how I see the world. It’s fueled me, challenged me, humbled me, and healed me. Even in the moments when I didn’t realize I needed saving, they were there. Not as people who complete me, but as people who reflect the very best of who I am.

Beyond this circle, I’ve been lucky enough to find sisterhood in other phases of life too. Through university, work, and unexpected places in between. Some of those connections have faded, as things naturally do, but they’ve each taught me something. Still, this core group -- the girls who have seen me at my best and worst -- are the ones I keep closest to my heart.

So here it is, written in the only language I know how, a love letter to the women who have shaped me, held me, grown with me. At this point I hope they all know how much this sisterhood means to me. I have written letter after letter addressed to each of them, and now for all of you to know this too.

Thank you for the love, the joy, the life shared. I hope we never stop choosing each other.