#TGIF: The mysteries of life

I thought I hit my peak at 18 for reasons so trivial and unimportant, now that I think about it. I have always excelled my papers, I figured the path I wanted to pursue, so I thought I had my life planned out. Silly how I thought I was so set and knew the trajectory of my life that young. But suddenly life threw a curveball, I had to restart, refigure life all over again. 

Then, I thought people in general peak at 25. Aren’t we supposed to graduate and choose the career path we want to go in, find the love of our lives and start a family? I waited for my time to come, and the clock continued ticking, only to soon realize my life does not fit that timeline. What am I supposed to do now? Have I figured everything wrong? Nothing was going right, at least not like how I wanted it to be.

For a few years my spirit, deep down dampen. I was anxious, and scared that I will spend my life just settling. For a degree I did not account for, job I didn't plan for, a life path so far off my plans. I did not see how I could grow out of the life I thought was a ‘failure’. It was hard. With everyone reminding me who I was ‘supposed to be’. 

It was not until I realized I am more than the person I boxed myself into. I have potential for anything and everything. Only if I allow myself to explore, to learn and to try. I failed once, and my life did not end there. What’s worst could happen? Something not working out is not a failure, it’s growth. It’s prove that you have tried and you have lived.

It's the mysteries of live that makes live exciting. Same goes to human connections. You know how people say you have not met everyone that you’ll love. How true is that? Never in my life I thought I could find a deep friendship connection with other people outside of my 6 main girl friends, but I did nonetheless. They all serve different purposes in my life. At times I found myself mapping out the people in my life — what lessons and purpose does this person bring to my life? It’s important for me to ensure I don’t get too carried away or overly obsessing over a connection, or expecting more out of it. Even if it’s platonic. Especially if it’s platonic.

The mysteries of life is the best part of living, that my life and yours are still unfolding, unraveling day by day. Don’t give up in finding your purpose. It may be so far off your plans, or your dreams. But you need to have a deep realization that you are exactly where you need to be. Nowhere else. Here, reading this entry too. Your life if not stagnant, it has not peaked like you thought you may have past it. Only so if you see it that way, if you have settled and given up trying. As long as you keep pushing through the boundaries, challenging yourself, your life will have so much to offer you in return.

p/s: Happy salt air and the rust on your door to those celebrating!

#TGIF: The art of noticing and being

My daily routine includes waiting for bus to the train station with my coffee cup.

Little things that matter to me includes;

• Slow mornings
• Bus arriving on time
• Free snacks from kind souls
• Take out dinners
• Sudden inspiration to write
• Homecooked meals
• Alone time while commuting to work
• Waking up early on my own
• Flexible working hour
• The smell of rain
• A good night's sleep
• Someone sending me home after a night out
• Strangers returning smile
• First sip of coffee in the morning
• Getting home before it's dark outside
• Getting a seat in the train
• Someone listening intently to me
• Regulated nervous system
• Actually having appetite to eat
• Meaningful conversations
• Belly laughs (mine or others')

p/s: a simple post this week, heavier topic next week!

#TGIF: About nostalgia and past life

There was a time in my life when I thought we had found our forever home. A place where we could settle down, where us four sisters could grow up, and one day bring our children back to that home -- a place they could call their “kampung.” For the sake of this story, I’ll call this neighbourhood Moongate.

We moved into Moongate when I was seven. Before that, we were always KL people. It was a new neighbourhood for us, and Kajang in general was unfamiliar. But Moongate became home for most of my childhood. I grew up there and made so many momentous, lasting memories playing with the neighbourhood kids.

At the time, Kajang was still developing. An outskirt town that felt far and removed from the KL I knew. But the neighbours made us feel welcomed from the very first day. I remember even before we officially moved in, we’d spend our weekends cleaning the house or supervising renovations. We would see the kids playing in the streets. They’d watch us curiously as we were the 'outsiders'. Their mothers would come introduce themselves to my parents, and they were all so warm, friendly, and welcoming right from the start.

The memories I have from those ten years in Moongate will never leave me. School holidays were the best. We spent every weeknight and weekend outside playing. We made up our own version of Explorace, biked to neighbouring taman, and even camped (real tents and all) in my next-door neighbour’s one-car garage. I learned to play badminton, galah panjang, baling selipar, and so many other games. We were all trained to be active because most games were physical. There were more than twenty of us, all different ages but incredibly close. I loved those days.

Eventually, we had to move out of Moongate. I was seventeen, and to my own surprise, I wasn’t sad to leave. During those ten years, many things happened within the family, and I had grown to hate the house. I was ready to move on and start fresh elsewhere. We had all grown up, many of us had drifted apart, and it didn’t feel like there was anything left to miss. Since then, we’ve moved three times, even left Kajang for a while before eventually coming back. This town will always feel like home, even if the houses have changed.

Two weeks ago, we attended a wedding in Moongate. A neighbourhood kid I used to see all the time, now married. When was the last time you went to a wedding held in a neighbourhood? It’s such a lost tradition, but in Moongate, it’s still alive. I was left in awe of how everyone came together to make the celebration happen. They’re not related by blood, yet they are family. These are people who have watched each other’s kids grow up, graduate, move out, and get married.

It made me realise: this is what it means to be neighbours. This is what my family and I lost when we moved out. The people of Moongate are still as warm and welcoming as ever -- but I don’t share the same deep bond, the kind of found-family connection that they’ve built together over the years. I looked over to the house we spent many years in while I was there, the memories immediately played out before my eyes. It was nostalgic, to be back there. To be reminded of how I loved the people, the memories, and how much time has passed since.

#TGIF: You can do anything

You never know the kind of pain you're able to overcome
You never know the kind pressure you're able to face
You never know the kind of kindness you deserve to receive
You never know the kind of love you're able to experience
You never know how high you can climb
You never know how far you can run
You never know how fast you can race
You never know how much you can grow
It's hard to see the other end when you don't have the right faith
In yourself. In your circumstance.

It's easy to give up and accept "fate"
From the spot you thought is final, prophesied, fated for you
Until you experience the other extreme, you will realise

You can overcome anything
You can handle so much pressure and not break
You are deserving of so much love and kindness
You can get to the summit
You can win the race
You are able to outgrow this box you are in

Only if you believe in yourself enough to start making that leap of faith

You can
If anyone else have done it, achieve it, concur it
What makes you think you can't?

- AZ

#TGIF: I am rooting for you, always

What makes you stand out isn't your success or the accolades you receive.

It's your empathy, your willingness to listen, and genuine care for others.

It's the light you bring into every room and the comfort you provide in times of need.

Disclaimer, this entry is going to be messy and everywhere and possibly, non cohesive so please bare with me. 

Last week I wrote about how lately I have been feeling so overwhelmed professionally. How work has been tough, and demanding and I’m struggling to make sense of everything. At times I feel I’m on autopilot, just cruising through day to day, figuring things one step at a time. 

And because I feel overwhelmed, I sense my team feels the same. At least some degree of it. So, I took time this week to speak to them separately. To hear what they have to say, and at the same time, to share my own struggles. As steady and as calm they see me, I am internally struggling too. I believe it’s alright to be vulnerable even in front of people you’re supposed to act cool. It shows that you are human after all. 

Through listening, I felt appreciated. Through understanding, I felt validated. Through problem solving, I was injected with a new sense of purpose. I was reminded again on why I am here, why I do what I do and it makes all the struggles, the overwhelming feeling and headache so so worth it. Our relationship is symbiotic. They need me just as much as I need them. 

After the call I was washed with contentment and immense gratitude as I realise — this is a part of growth I wanted. This is the kind of influence I hoped to have on my life in general, but specifically in my career. I wanted to be able to look back and know that I have left a mark, imprints of my contributions visible in the people I’ve worked with. Hoping they will carry that in their next chapter too. The knowledge that I am an added value and a positive influence to someone’s career, or better yet — someone’s life. 

2 years ago, I couldn’t even imagine myself being in this position. Leading, mentoring, steering the ship. It happened so effortlessly I didn’t even notice until I stop and look back at how much things changed. Grateful and gratitude couldn’t even begin to describe what exactly I’m feeling. It’s so many emotions. I have hopes so big for each of them. Their success will feel like my own and I foresee that I will cheer for them for many, many years to come. 

p/s: I know I use em dash (—) in my entry, I promise you, it’s my writing, no ChatGPT here. Need to make this clear, lol.

#TGIF I am beaten: reflecting on life lately

credit @disruptiveberlin

I am going to be that girl now, I want to complain. I want to vent and I want to tell everybody that I am tired. These past few weeks has been so tough at work, and my health was not cooperating too. In fact, I think my body was reacting to the pressure. I was sick for three whole weeks, I was absent from the office more days in the last 3 weeks than I've done all year. It was tough to be fully present when work was at the same time, demanding. 

It got to a point where even my empathy can't catch up with me, it was out the window. I wasn't mean necessarily, but it did feel like I was passing my stress down. The 'if I'm pressured, you have to feel the same' kind of thing. Now I understand how pressure can cascade down, to the people you're working with. Which is not fair, when it's my own emotions I can't manage. I felt guilty, but I also can't help it.

The thing is, I do understand that this difficult is needed. The reality of striving for the life you wanted is having to accept what comes with it. You just don’t realize how much you need to sacrifice. It's going to be uncomfortable and overwhelming and stressful. Having to trade free time, comfort, peace of mind, for a more chaotic, stressful and demanding life. But in the end, it’s still something you really want, in hopes it will all be worth it. 

But then again, how dare I feel this way? Complaining when this is a privilege -- to feel tired from the job I love, to be overwhelmed by workload and responsibilities that I prayed for. It's a constant war in my mind between feeling grateful but still could not help to whine. I have to remember that this is temporary, it will be insignificant in three months. I won't remember any of this and I will be glad I pushed through. A girl can't help but to complain a little.

#TGIF Books that left a mark

I am not going to sit here and act like I've read many books or that I am such an avid reader. I am not. I am in fact, a slow reader, I take my time when it comes to reading. I at most read 3 books a month, but usually only one. That means, I have not read that many books to be qualified to pick 5 best books to recommend to you. So I will preface this, you can take my recommendations, or you don't. No hard feelings.

The books I'm going to list down are the books that 1) I wish I can read again and feel the same impact it gave me. 2) Impacted me in different ways, either hits way too close to home or guided me through specific time of my life. Books should be able to speak to you, describes feelings you can't find words to. These books did that for me. Naturally, these are my 5-star rated books.

1) Khaled Hosseini - The Kite Runner

Is it even a valid list if there are no Khaled Hosseini in the list? It can't be. I have read all of his books, including the short poem and I can confidently say, The Kite Runner is my favourite of his. Like on top, for real. It touches on friendship, betrayal and loyalty so deep and so pure that you can physically feel the pain the characters feel. 

Not only that, the writing is just so complete. I don't know how else do I describe it, but I can tell you one thing -- every scene in this book is intentional. You will find the relation and the purpose of why that scene was written. Every single word, adds up to the plot. It's such a perfect book. A classic. Will always recommend it.

One thing I truly love about KH's books are the scenery he paints. I have never been to Afghanistan, and probably never will but I feel connected to Kabul, the capital, through his books. It's true that people say reading can take you places you've never been to. And I believe Afghan was such a beautiful place before the war and political turmoil. It probably still is a magical place, for all I know.

2) Khaled Hosseini - A Thousand Splendid Suns

Have you seen the rave for this book? As a woman, I would absolutely urge women to read this book. But beyond that, men please read this book too. You will understand unspoken struggles women go through, of course in Afghanistan will be different circumstances, but generally, it gives you the idea of how women are often seen, or expected to be and behave. 

KH write this book like he actually live as a woman, which blows my mind how articulate and spot on he is with the reality of being a woman. Even in this day and age where it should be 'modern' per say, there are still underlying expectations and discrimination women face.

Another thing I really admire about KH's writing and it's super consistent across all his books is how he able to write a story that goes on for years. All three of his novels follows the characters from childhood to old age and you still able to stay engaged and interested. He gets you so freaking invested with the characters. 

3) Coco Mellors - Blue Sisters

I have previously talked about this book in another entry. What else do I say? I have not changed my mind on this book, and I get sad when other people did not find this book as good as I did. But somehow I do understand because not everyone can relate to the life of having sisters. 

This book is deeply relatable to me, and it is because I live with sisters. 4 sisters, just like the book. I understand the grief, the dynamic of having sisters and how you can be so different from each other but so damn connected at the same time. There is no connection in this world is as strong and solid as sisters relationship. You can ignore it all you want, but it's always going to be there.

I saw a tiktok about the person saying, your relationship with your siblings is even stronger than of you & your parents. This is because, you are only half of each your parent, but you are 100% your siblings. I was left in awe at that discovery, it's so obvious, but I have never see it that way. It's so true though. My sisters are everything to me.

4) Allison Trowbridge - Twenty Two: Letters to a Young Woman Searching for Meaning

I read this when I was 25 going 26, I think but the contents of this book hits too close to home. I was feeling a little bit lost and behind during that year of my life. Reading this book feels like a big sister talking to me that it's okay not having it all figured out yet. 

We all are so used to chasing and running towards specific end goal, we berate ourselves when we didn't get there fast enough, or within the timeline that we planned. Truth is, we are exactly where we needed to be. You are meant to be here, you are meant to 'be late' and 'behind'. If we remove our hold on where we're supposed to be but just enjoy the journey of becoming, we would find a lot more meaning in everything that we do -- every bumps, dead ends and redirections will make sense. 

5) Dolly Alderton - Everything I know about Love

First of all, I wish I could be Dolly's pet sister. I am not even kidding. Having her as a sister would be so fun, and insightful. Reading her books also feels like talking to a big sister. She's funny, wise and relatable as hell.

This book talks about her experience of finding love in her 20s and along the way realizing that everything she needs to know about love, she actually is learning them from her relationships with her female friends. It highlights how having female friends enrich her lives in so many ways, so uplifting and fulfilling. I had to stop a few times while reading this books because it's so relatable to me. I am not in any romantic relationships and yes, I am open to it but at the same time I have this lifelong female friendship that has been my source of contentment for years now. Without me realizing it, they give me everything I needed, they taught me all I needed to know, they raised the bar for me, they set a standard so high that is pretty impossible for any men to match. Sorry, not sorry.

This book shed a new light, it expresses perfectly of how I feel about my female friendship, make me recognize the things I have not recognized before and make me appreciate my girlfriends in more ways than I already have.

#TGIF The family I chose

I'm going to be honest with you: I’ve been putting off writing this for a few weeks now. I kept finding other topics to write about instead. Not because this one isn’t important, it's quite the opposite. It’s so important to me that I wanted to write it right. But no matter how much thought I put into it, I don’t think anything I write can truly encapsulate how I feel about my female friends.

If you follow me on my other platforms, you probably already know that I talk about my girlfriends all the time. Some might even say I overshare. But for a long time, it didn’t occur to me that what I have with them is rare. That not everyone gets to experience a friendship like this -- a support system, a constant, a chosen family. And some days, I catch myself marveling at the rarity of it. Because let’s be honest: it’s not easy to find even one friend you can click with, let alone a group you grow with, evolve with, and still hold onto after all these years.

I’m not going to sugarcoat things and pretend we haven’t had our rough patches. We’ve disagreed, drifted apart, even stopped talking for months at one point. Especially during the transition from adolescence to adulthood, when we started to take different paths -- different universities, different friends, new environments. For a while, it felt like we were speaking different languages. But even then, we always found our way back to each other. We always chose to come home to this friendship. At least that's how I felt.

I  think often about how different I would be if I didn’t have them. Especially in those fragile years where you’re trying to figure out who you are, what you believe, and where you’re headed. They’ve been there through all of it. We’ve witnessed each other’s growing pains, celebrated so many firsts together, and shared milestones that have shaped us. I've seen the girls get married, found the love of their lives, get promoted, moved to new places and recently, gave birth. And the most exciting part is? There’s still so much more ahead of us.

As I grow older, I have that fear at the back of my mind that we would outgrow each other somehow. But then I look at us, the foundation we've built, the effort we've put into this friendship (now more than ever) to constantly show up and be in each other's lives and the times we could have drifted and we didn't, it restored my faith. 

This friendship has been the grounding force in my life. It’s influenced how I think, what I value, and how I see the world. It’s fueled me, challenged me, humbled me, and healed me. Even in the moments when I didn’t realize I needed saving, they were there. Not as people who complete me, but as people who reflect the very best of who I am.

Beyond this circle, I’ve been lucky enough to find sisterhood in other phases of life too. Through university, work, and unexpected places in between. Some of those connections have faded, as things naturally do, but they’ve each taught me something. Still, this core group -- the girls who have seen me at my best and worst -- are the ones I keep closest to my heart.

So here it is, written in the only language I know how, a love letter to the women who have shaped me, held me, grown with me. At this point I hope they all know how much this sisterhood means to me. I have written letter after letter addressed to each of them, and now for all of you to know this too.

Thank you for the love, the joy, the life shared. I hope we never stop choosing each other.

#TGIF Un-tabooing therapy

This will be yet another vulnerable entry. A topic I've never discussed previously, because it was a strange topic for me too. I have never related to mental issues, however, I was tested with a degree of it sometime around last year.

Last year, I found myself in a dark head space. I was not happy, nothing excites me anymore. I was just cruising through life. I wasn't feeling the contentment I usually feel. I just feel.. lost. I had some personal stuff going on in my life during that time, so I guess that contributed even more to the feeling of emptiness. I got annoyed, mad and irritated so easily, by the smallest things that otherwise, wouldn't even bother me.

I have never thought about seeking therapy, but in that moment, I did not recognize myself, and I knew I had to seek help. I contemplated so much about where can I go and which facility I can seek help from. To be clear, I didn't have any dark thoughts about doing dangerous things, it did not get to me until that point yet. But it was the constant heaviness in my heart.

I had rounds and rounds of debrief with my sisters, which helped, but it was not enough. I even told them I had been thinking about seeking therapy and the too, supported it. I began to understand how important therapy is. Even if you think you're not doing too bad, you should still consider it. You should still be open to it. We all have past traumas that we carry for so long, that until one point, it gets too heavy to bear. There should be no shame, in fact, it should be applaud because that is the proof that you are putting yourself as priority. You are trying to get better, for yourself and for the people around you.

While contemplating therapy, I did what I do best, I write. I write for days on end. Everyday. In my journal, my journal app on my phone, on WhatsApp and sent it to myself. I was on a roll. I couldn't stop, it became addictive because writing have me clarity. I was writing letters to people who I had so many unsaid things, I was mad at, frustrated at and before I knew it, I was unraveling and healing my past trauma all at once. It was refreshing to say the least. The letters will never see the light of day, I may even burn it one day. But it gave me the relief, to finally pour the things you wished you said, that you have keep so deep in your heart. I found myself crying while writing the letter. Like, full on bawling. I surprised myself, if I'm being truly honest. 

I may not end up going to therapy, but it was the realization that I needed one was what moved the other parts. It's the self-awareness that I'm not doing okay, the openness to seek help, considering and finding available resources. I'm grateful that I didn't spiral, and I hope I wasn't accidentally be mean to anybody while I was going through it. But I knew in my head I had all sorts of unkind thoughts. 

I want to urge you to look inwards, ask yourself, which part of my life that made me who I am today? We all have memories we wish we could erase, and if you truly know yourself, you can identify all of you; your personality, the way you think, the way you make decisions, the way you love, your relationship with money, your values and literally everything else, are correlated to how you were raised, the experiences you've gone through. Once you've identified them, it's easier to undo the bad and amplify the good parts of yourself. Through this experience, I get to know myself too. What started as a negative experience, became the biggest breakthrough. 

If you find yourself needing help, here's some of the mental health services I've considered (shoutout to my friend Amira for suggesting them!). Apart from these, there are so many more you can consider depending on your budget.

• Cara Cara
• Minda Kami

I do hope you heal from all the things you've shared, or the ones you carry alone so you can come out on the other side cleaner and happier 💛

#TGIF Dating in this day and age

The older you get, the harder it is to find the one. I'm writing this more as a personal reflection, from my own experiences, and how I feel trying to find a true connection, that aligns with my values especially in this day and age. This post is not intended to critique anybody nor do I mean to offend anyone. This might be able to justify why I choose to stay single all these years.

I will go back a little bit to when I was 18, I was fresh out of a relationship that mattered a lot to me. People always tell me how I did not act my age. I felt it too. Even at 18, I knew in my head, relationship is not a game I want to play. I didn't necessarily crave relationships, I wasn't into dating, and going out on dates makes me sick. Talking on the phone? I never liked it. Until now, I prefer texting over calling. What I'm trying to say is, I've always take love seriously.

When I came out of that relationship, I made a vow to myself that my next relationship will be the one I marry and I was dead serious about it. I pursued my studies, acknowledged that all my focus, time and attention should directed there. Did I have crushes? Of course I had some, I think it was key to feel motivated every day. My crushes were always the smart guys, those that are motivated too. The ones who asked questions, and came top of the class. It's important to me to find someone that motivates me to be better. To grow, improve, and challenge myself. But I never made any move, it wasn't my intention. I was young anyway, I had plenty of time ahead of me before I should even start thinking about relationships.

Fast forward, I was 22. When I started working, I thought to myself, maybe I can try open up now. Get to know people and maybe, just maybe, I will find the one. But of course, when you try to plan it, mastermind it, it will never work out. I found myself feeling insecure too, in my early 20s. I often feel I am lacking, like I have nothing to offer. What can I bring to the table? I was super self-conscious. It didn't matter anyway, because I was not able to find anyone that I was really truly attracted to that aligned with my values.

In between 22- 25 years old, I was hopeful. What I never thought about how much harder it will get as you grow older because your bar will just get higher and higher. I have seen failed relationships, heard about many, and learned from them all. Now, my own criteria and how I view relationships now had changed completely. My expectations shifted, the bar is now higher. I can't tell you how many times I tried to open up to new connections but keep getting disappointed with how on the surface conversations always are with men. At 28, I am no longer rushing into it, if it happens, it happens and if it's not, I am whole on my own.

  

I wrote previously about how turning 27 changed me as a person, it also changed how I look at relationships. Naturally, I have added more criteria into my 'checklist' when it comes to finding significant other. But, I too, had an awakening within myself. Instead of searching for perfection in other people, I started looking inwards. I thought, if I want to have someone with certain values and qualities, I need to first have them in me. Perfecting yourself, will attract the right person. I look at family institution in a different light now. I can better understand that getting married and building a family is not something anyone should take lightly and the preparation to go into one is extensive and both parties need to take part. Healing your inner child and past trauma is important, as well as seeking knowledge on your rights as a wife/husband and your role in the familial institution. Many skipped this part and jumped head first into marriage, later realising their traumas present itself in the marriage.

Now, instead of feeling excited to find love, I feel the weight of the responsibility that awaits. I no longer want it in the same way I used to. I don't want to settle just because I think my time is ticking, or I feel FOMO because everyone around me gets married, or I am scared of being alone. I want it because I find beauty in building a family when you (both)  have your intentions straight. I don't find them scary, even with the negative stories we keep hearing. I did not know where all this realisation came from, but I knew Allah makes me wait for a reason. Maybe the one I’m meant to meet is just running a little late. Or maybe, I’m still becoming the version of me he’ll meet. But even if it's written that there's none for me in this world, I would be okay with that too, because He knows best.

#TGIF Untiltled

On the table I lay everything

so you know the price going in

so you won't be expecting the wrong thing

and if I can tell you one thing

it's in your arms I want to die in

And if you find yourself

unable to love me

then don't you worry

I have enough love 

for the two of us to survive with

If somber is what you want for me

then you have no idea

I have walked this earth

with open wounds 

your disregard isn't enough

to break the broken

In my mind I've thrown rocks at you

I've cursed to your face

but you're the reason I grow wings anew

so instead I flash my sweetest smile

send my best regards

This constant war in my head

I will never tell you

unable to decide if I 

should be grateful for you

or hate your gut

- AZ