#TGIF: The best year yet

This year, I am most attuned to my feelings. More than an escape, writing has been the thing I turn to whenever I seek comfort. It's the only way I know how to compartmentalize thoughts and break down complex feelings. It's not just an outlet; it has become a remedy -- a cure at times of hurt, but also an amplifier of the good. I never thought I could follow through with my aim to write every Friday, but here I am, 35 Fridays later, still musing, still writing, still posting. I think I deserve a pat on the back for that.

Apart from writing here, I've also been journaling a lot -- not just to write down feelings, but to plan out my life in general. I think I got a lot of things done this year due to my slightly psychotic planning of every inch of my life. The decisions I consciously make every day to get closer to my goals are not accidental, but planned ahead.

A few years back, I had a friend who told me she does not have any “best year.” Every year is her best one because she makes sure to live in the moment and make the best of each year, instead of reminiscing about the past and labeling it as her “best year.” Romanticizing the past, she said, is not how you should be living your life. What she shared made me rethink the way I approach life. Since then, I’ve made sure to plan my year intentionally, often asking myself, “At the end of the year, who do I want to be?” That question alone should be enough to guide what you need to do, the goals you set, and how you plan to get there. 

Alhamdulillah for what this year has been for me. It does not matter what I have achieved or the places I’ve been to; ultimately, I am most grateful for my health and for the fact that my family is also well and healthy. I have friends all around me who are my rock, holding space for me without question, often without me asking. A job that keeps my wheels turning, challenging and stretching me in ways I never expected, but needed.

Are there goals I did not manage to achieve this year? Of course there are. In fact, plenty. But I wouldn’t measure this year by how many boxes I’ve ticked, but by how much it has changed me. And I am, forever changed.

It’s not our job to question someone’s faith

This isn’t Friday, and it isn’t a usual TGIF post. I’m sharing this because something has been lingering with me for the past week. This isn’t written in anger, but in surrender, for anyone who chooses to listen.

Faith is a lifelong journey. At times, it is easy. At others, you struggle through it. I, myself, have lived through many versions of that journey. If you’ve known me for a long time, you’d know the different versions of me: who I was in school, out of school, and now, as an adult. You would have seen the changes outwardly, but I hope you’ve also taken the time to really know me. To know that no matter how I’ve changed on the outside, I have always remained the same on the inside.

I’ve spoken about faith in past entries. My struggles with it, how I view it, and how I try to build a life centered around it. The reality of sharing pieces of my life online is that my choices become open to scrutiny. As human beings, we can’t escape curiosity. People will wonder and people will judge, often quietly, behind closed doors. But occasionally, those judgments are made publicly, without much thought for how they land.

If you happen to be reading this (and you know who you are), know that I recognize your intention to want good for me. I see it, even through the tone that felt less than kind. I ran your words past multiple people, including my mother, just to make sure I wasn’t imagining how sharp they felt. I understand that you may feel a responsibility to advise. And as Muslims ourselves, advising one another is a responsibility. I’ve received advice throughout my life, and I’ve always welcomed constructive feedback. Not just about faith, but just about anything in life.

I appreciate you coming forward to tell me that I should dress better, I really do. I hear it. I see it. And I take it sincerely. Still, I’ll be honest, it makes me sad. Not because I’m unwilling to reflect, but because there isn’t a single day that passes where I don’t consciously try to remember God, placing Him at the centre of my decisions. 

But I owe no one an explanation. My relationship with Allah does not require an audience. It is private. It is personal. It exists in moments that are unseen, unspoken, and deeply internal.

There is a difference between advice and judgment.

“Have you forgotten God?” did not feel like guidance. It did not invite reflection; it shut it down. You may say it came from a place of care, but intention matters. Words carry weight, and faith is not strengthened through shame or public interrogation.

Perhaps this was how Allah chose to nudge me, through you. And perhaps it is also a reminder for myself to never pass judgment on others who may be struggling quietly and privately, in ways I cannot see. May we always remember that advice, especially on matters of faith, should be given with care and wisdom.

To those who are struggling with your faith, whether it’s dressing modestly, completing your prayers, or exercising self-restraint from sins — I see you. I know it can be hard, like going to war with yourself, but Allah sees all of your efforts, and that is what truly matters. Because so much of faith is lived quietly, privately, and unseen. 

Some things are between a person and God alone. And that, too, deserves respect.

#TGIF: My travel to Yunnan, part II

As I've promised, I will continue the post from last week, about my travel to Yunnan. It's been nearly a month since, how time flies! I stopped at Lijiang, that means our next destination would be Shangri-La. I've got to be honest, the next 2 cities were not my favourite. Don't get me wrong, Shangri-La is a nice city, has its own charm but it was too cold for me, personally. I could not enjoy the nights, and because we were there near winter, it gets dark and cold really fast. 

We arrived in Shangri-La and got checked-in nearly 4pm. As per usual we rest a little before roaming around the ancient city. As soon as we step foot into the quaint ancient city, I was already in love. It was different from Lijiang, but just as charming. We spent hours in their China Post, sending postcards to our future selves, family and friends. It was an experience, and a lovely memory. This was also the start of our obsession with Luckin Coffee, lol. We bought them everyday after that.

Because Shangri-La is a bit higher up on altitude, the hotel concierge advised us not to take a shower that night, as we might get altitude sickness if we do. But lo and behold, one of us actually got sick that first night. After dinner we continue to stroll around and did our stampings, it was cold. Once we got back to our hotel room, she threw herself onto the floor and started throwing up too. At that point we knew that she might have AMS. Once again the staff at the hotel told us to bring her to the hospital as throwing up was a sign that it has gotten bad. 

We spent about 2 hours there -- through registration, consultation and treatment. My friend, Hidayah had to get oxygen for an hour to recover the AMS symptoms. The healthcare was efficient and very cheap. But we also took insurance, thankfully. We got back to the hotel by midnight. 

The next day, we started slow, wanted to have a chill morning due to what happened the previous night. Ensuring everyone had a good rest before starting the day. We sent more postcards and then took Didi to Napahai Lake. It was cloudy most of the day, the sky did not clear so that one was a bummer, regardless the place was beautiful but terribly freezing cold. I keep on checking the temperature because of how cold I felt! It was a chill place to take nice pictures but other than that, nothing much.

After 2 nights in Shangri-La, we moved to our next and final city, which was Kunming. We went back down to where we came from, and it made it easier for us to fly back home too as we depart from Kunming Airport. We spent 3 nights in Kunming and honestly this might be my "biggest" regret. Kunming was just like any cities. Buildings, malls, not so much of things to see. You surely do not need 3 nights to explore the city. You may even skip Kunming altogether. Regardless we tried to fill in our days as best we can. Lucky we found touristy things to do anyways, so it's all good. 

That first night in, we arrived from Shangri-La quite late because the train ride from Shangri-La to Kunming took us 6 hours. By the time we checked-in, it was already dinner time. On the weather, I thought Kunming would be the least cold, but actually it was not. It was still considerably cold, but a huge relief coming from Shangri-La, hahaha. I was grateful it was not as freezing! We ate halal BBQ that night and because our hotel was right above a shopping mall, it was where we spent most of our nights. 

Summarizing our days in Kunming, we managed to try a lot of halal street food, you can find plenty along Shuncheng and Nancheng street. The streets are walkable and easy to navigate too. We also had the chance to visit the mosques and prayed there. It was such a wonderful experience being able to be among a Muslim community that are far from home. Somehow you feel belonged anyways.

One of the days we went to Yunnan Ethnic Village, we spent the whole day there exploring the place. The place was actually perfect if you are into cultural and learning about the history of different ethnics in Yunnan. It has replicas of houses, and community spaces alike. It was really interesting to explore! It is a family-friendly place but you can get tired walking around. There were buggy service available so if you plan to go with little kids or elders, I would suggest to use that. We walked all the way and I think we spend about 5 hours inside. You can't find halal restaurants inside so do bring RTE food or cup noodles to get you through the visit!

After that, we walked a bit around Dianchi Park, watched seagulls over the water. Then, we took Didi to Shuncheng street and had the best halal chap fan! The closest to Malaysian food, that was what really got us. So good that we had to come back again the next day before we leave for the airport, haha.

Overall, Yunnan is a great city to visit. I was homesick halfway through but it was because I have never been away and apart for that long. Now in hindsight, I definitely would consider revisiting Yunnan. The people are nice though they don't understand an ounce of English, the ancient towns, the mountains. I miss it all already. I am deeply grateful to be able to do this, and the things I was blessed to see. It was humbling, really.

I grew up never having the chance to leave Malaysia, I can't fathom different climate or cold weather, let alone seeing snow! But now that I do, I can't really articulate how thankful I feel and honestly, how small I feel, too. There's so much greatness out there that I haven't seen and I pray that I could, one city at a time. Thank you for sticking through this whole post and the ones before this. If you're still here, thank you. I only have 2 more Fridays to go. Part of me can't wait to take a break, and restart fresh next year but another part of me is eager to plan next year's contents. 

I have more Yunnan posts on my TikTok & Instagram. Just search Attelya and you'll find me. You can also leave NGL questions, feedback, or anything at all. Feel free to interact! Till next Friday ;)

#TGIF: My travel to Yunnan, part I

Ok yes, I am not on time this round. I missed out to post right at 8pm, in fact, I am writing this in real-time. It's 8.40pm, Friday 5th December and I just got home from work about an hour ago. I meant to write about my Yunnan trip but you guys...the thought of writing a very long post just exhaust me. I drafted something on my phone but it was non-coherent, just bits and pieces here and there. I don't know whether to make it informative or day to day breakdown or a reflection. In short, I was overwhelmed.

Hence why I procrastinated it until today, and I've decided, this post is going to be everything -- a bit informative, a bit of travelog and a bit of my reflection from the trip. You have to bear with me if it's end up going to be long. Here goes nothing.

This trip was planned so early, we (my three colleagues and I) booked the tickets kind of on a whim, back in May or June. We paid a hefty amount for the tickets, so please don't do that and wait for better timing to buy them. Compare prices with people who have gone, get know how low it can go. We decided to go right after 11.11 Sale, the best possible date was 14 - 25 November. We only started really planning for the trip in late September to October -- figuring out the itinerary, booking packages and allocating how many days do we want to stay at each city. 

On the day we leave, we were all working full day, still. It was a Friday and our flight was at 10pm, so might as well work the day normally. We took red-eye flight, which was not the best decision at the time because as we landed, it was 2am and nothing opens, we could not check in because our first hotel was in Dali and we landed in Kunming, our train to Dali was not until 7am. So we ended up hanging out at the airport, tired, hungry, sleepy and exhausted. We were also irritated with the amount of times we had to reject taxi drivers for offering rides repeatedly.

When it was time to go, we freshen up and took Didi (e-hailing in China, just like Grab) to Kunming train station. As soon as we sat on the train, we all crashed. Within minutes all of us fell dead asleep, only woke up like 15 minutes before arriving in Dali. It was a goooooood nap to say the least. We needed it. Arrived in Dali, we took another Didi to our hotel. It was a cute guest house overlooking Erhai Lake that I immediately fell in love with. The whole area was so quaint and lovely. It truly made me feel like I was in a K-drama -- it was the kind of picturesque view that you only see on TV. 

In Dali, because we only stayed for one night, we didn't get to do much except for exploring Erhai Lake, both around our hotel and a park at the other side of the lake that took us one hour drive to get to. Even though the stay at Dali was short, but I think it was what we needed -- a slow paced, quite city -- perfect as the first city we visit. 

Next city was Lijiang. If anyone visits Yunnan, Lijiang will be the main agenda. Both main attractions for Yunnan are here in Lijiang. So like everybody else, we did the same. First day in Lijiang was spent strolling around the ancient city. Every cities has their own ancient city that you must visit. They are all very quaint and unique in their own way. Lijiang's ancient city is very busy. Packed with people every night. Because our hotel in Lijiang was right in the middle of the ancient city, we naturally go out strolling around every night we were there, eating ice cream in 10°C. Immaculate vibes all around. I loved Lijiang. 

The next day was our trip up to Jade Dragon Snow Mountain (JDSM), Blue Moon Valley and we also watched Lijiang Impression Show. All these were in the same park area. This is the only thing we took a package for, all other things we did DIY. People would ask me how did we communicate with the locals -- it was fully via google translate guys. We could not speak an ounce of Mandarin, they can't speak or understand any English, so google translate was all we relied on. They also knew that they have to translate to English so often they were ready with their own translate app. We were among the first trip to go up the JDSM that day, it was only around 7.30AM when we got up there, the view was insanely breathtaking but I could not for the life of me stand how cold it was up there. The temperature was -5°C, the coldest my human body has ever experienced, but thankfully all of us felt okay going up that high. around 3000+m above sea level.

Blue Moon Valley was nothing too special, the valley itself was a-okay only but because it was also overlooking the snow mountain, the pictures you take have insane backdrop. Then Lijiang Impression Show was nice. The view that you get, overlooking the snow mountain was the main event itself. It was like a feast to the eyes. I cannot repeat this enough but it was gorgeous. The show was obviously in full Mandarin, I don't understand half of it, except for parts that translation were provided. Essentially it tells about the origin story of the ethnic groups of Lijiang. It was interesting. 

The next day we went to Tiger Leaping Gorge, fully DIY. This trip took a whole day too, only because the trip to TLG took 2 hours by bus, one way. So two hours going there and two more hours back to Lijiang. Truthfully, the place was not super fascinating. Maybe I was not into it as much, it it's water. However, I must say, the view along the journey was what made it worth it. Stunning all the way. 

Phew, this post has taken way too long to write and I am only halfway through, you guys! I will be stopping here for now, I will continue Shangri-La and Kunming in my next post, next week. I am sorry for not completing everything today but I think you'll get fatigue reading too long of a post anyway. 

Can you believe I only have 3 more Fridays to go?! Time flew! Please tell me whether or not I should continue #TGIF series next year? If yes, what else would you like to read about? See you next Friday :)

TGIF: The witness to your life

I’ve just finished reading Say You’ll Remember Me by Abby Jimenez last week during my travel to Yunnan. The whole concept of the book hits close to home, and I read it with a quiet sense of melancholy.

In the book, and I quote: That there is nothing more beautiful than being a witness to someone’s life. To know them inside and out and be with them through everything, share the same memories. A shared collection of experiences, like a snowball rolling downhill, getting bigger as it goes.

When we say we want someone to share our lives with, what do we really mean? Nothing has ever articulated it so accurately until I read those lines. I almost cried. Because it’s true: all we need is a witness to our lives. Someone who knows the big, the small, and everything in between.

That scar you have, no one else knows why or how it happened except your person. He knows exactly how it happened because he was there. He knows how long it took to heal because he was living parallel to your life.

I often think about all the milestones I’ll need to recap once I finally meet The One, because he’s missed so much: my first job, my promotions, the day I got my driver’s license, all the travels I took without him, the friends I made, the little stories tucked between moments. All my wins and all my failures he wasn’t a part of — and being 28, I have many.

I think the Universe is trying to remind me of this again and again. Recently, I came across a TikTok video on this exact topic, asking, “Why do people get married?” The answer was the same: because we need a witness to our lives. In marriage, we promise to care about everything — the good, the bad, the big, the small, and the mundane. Even the most trivial things. All of it, all the time, every day. Your life will not go unnoticed, because your person will notice it.

If you already have that someone, please know you have one of life’s greatest blessings — a gift not everyone gets to have. I have no idea if this gift is in store for me, but I do hope that for you, it is.
It’s a special thing to have a best friend for life, a safe place to come home to, and a vault for all your deepest secrets.

#TGIF: Favourite movies of all time

I am not a movie junkie, and I am not the kind to watch new movies at the cinemas. I'm also not the type to rewatch movies, unless I really like them. I am not critical with movies either, don't understand the technicalities of what makes a movie good - cinematography, lighting, all that jazz. But I do know how a movie can make me feel. I have many movies through out the years that I will happily revisit and rewatch. These I would say, are my top movies of all time (in no particular order).

1. Love, Rosie - My heart was broken, shattered to pieces and finally glued back together. All within the 100 minutes of the movie. Also, Sam Claflin?!

2. Little Women (2019) - That one monologue!!! Tattooed on my brain forever.

3. Mamma Mia - The first one, always!!! What I would do to watch it for the first time again.

4. My Sister’s Keeper - I was traumatized the first time I watched it. Sisterly bond is my weakness.

5. The Holidays - Yes, another Cameron Diaz movie. The whole plot of this movie is also very very unique. Not your typical holiday movie. The side plot is also very heartwarming.

6. How to be Single - Relatable and funny. An easy movie to watch, very enjoyable. Yearly rewatch material.

7. We are Family - Please please please go watch this movie if you need a good cry. I never not cry when I watch this. The first time I watched it, I was inconsolable and the sadness stayed with me for a few days after. Have this in your next watchlist and watch it alone for elite experience.

8. When in Rome - This movie, I have not seen in years, but you know how I can confidently put it on this list? Is the fact that I still think of it to this day.

9. Ayat-ayat Cinta - C'mon, one Indo movie has to be on here. Can't count the amount of times I rewatched this too. The nikah scene alone is 10/10. And let's pretend the second movie never existed.

10. Laila Isabella - I have to throw one classic, OG, that GURL on here. Everyone's performances in here were chef's kiss!! I wish we have this on streaming.

If you don't know what to watch on your free time or while you're eating, you're welcome. I just gave you ten options.

#TGIF: Through Their Eyes

 

The little hands tapping on the window,
eyes wide, full of wonder,
shrieks and gasps saying—
“Look at those! So beautiful!”

It’s the same view I see every day,

every commute to my 9–5.

I’ve long lost appreciation for it,

but to them, it’s all new.

I understand it now—

the role of a child:

to teach us to slow down and appreciate

the world once again,

to see through innocent eyes,

to find beauty in the everyday,

the kind that dulls over time.

I stand right behind,

smiling to myself, whispering thank-yous,

for showing me that life can be

ever exciting, ever thrilling, ever exhilarating—

even in the mundane,

if only I choose to see it that way.

- AZ

#TGIF: The thing that lingers

“He had a baby today”

“Damn. I would love to read your journal entry about this. Like I want to skinny dip right into your thoughts right now."

It was not a joke though I was trying to lighten the mood, knowing how this news may be hitting her like a truck. 

“There wouldn’t be enough papers for it. To describe how the world stopped for me this morning. I feel like crashing out, but at the same time like, ‘what am I doing’”

“It would literally be like that for me too.”

“I remember exactly where I was when I found out he got a gf, when he got engaged, when he got married, now had a baby.”

“Must’ve felt like little earthquakes each time.”

“Belum habis process the milestones then BAM! — a meteor”

“I get it, he’s 10 milestones ahead and it feels unfair that you are still at the restaurant” 

That’s a Taylor Swift reference, incase you don’t know. 

“Hard to admit but mentally I am still there. I don’t talk about it anymore, I thought I was past it. It’s fading but not fast enough.”

That’s the thing about unrequited love. It’s an open wound, gushing out blood at first but you ignore them, because time heals, right? It became an ugly, untreated scab and one trigger makes it bleeding again. You thought you were past it, dealt with it, moved on from it. But the truth is, it’s still there. Ignored, untreated, unaddressed. It sucks even more when it seems like you’re the only one experiencing it while the other person moved on, unaffected. You’re left feeling betrayed, angry or bitter. Or worse—all of them at once. 

Many had gone through similar experiences, myself included. The end of an almost-lover hurts more than an actual relationship because you’re haunted by the what-ifs and the could’ve beens. Often, it stays with you for years. You started dissecting conversations thinking “Did I read that wrongly?” “Did I imagined everything?” “Was all of that not real?”. Replaying every shared memories in your head wondering if it was one sided after all. 

It’s the endless questions you have, doing laps around the corner of your brain where the thought of him seems to have a permanent residence, knowing well you will never get the answers to. Some lucky enough to get closure, but many never did, silently grieving someone who no longer belongs — and maybe never truly did.

#TGIF: The mental juggle lately

 

One night I woke up from a bad dream. A nightmare, I would say. In that dream I was on my way to the airport with my sister Dyna when I realized I forgot to pack a lot of important items. Like a warm outerwear when it’s going to be late fall/early winter where I’m heading and I forgot to exchange money for expenses, and apparently, my Visa was also not approved yet. I woke up panicked, and thankful that I was still in my room, and not living a nightmare at the airport. 

The thing is, I am really travelling soon, and I am unready. That dream was a reminder that I should start packing and preparing, but also the reflection of my quiet anxieties of travelling. Apparently, not too quiet since it managed to creep into my dream. I hate to admit this, but despite me showing my brave side, I am very much afraid. This place is a place I’ve never been to, using a language I don’t speak, in a climate I am not used to. It’s not a baseless fear. But other people do this all the time, don’t they? 

I went to a friend’s wedding last weekend, it was probably one of the best weddings I’ve ever been to. That aside, being around familiar faces brought back memories from 2020, when the world was in the thick of COVID-19. These were the same people who had kept me sane during the pandemic. We bonded pre-quarantine, but became a hell lot closer while in quarantine — entirely virtually. We spent countless evenings and Friday nights video calling each other, playing games and chatting. We got to know each other’s secrets, pains and fears. They were the first people I’ve ever shared my traumas with. People who were just colleagues turned into friends. Actual good friends.

Post quarantine, we made trips together — Melaka, Penang, Terengganu. We somehow survived the ultimate friendship test: travelling together. No lives were lost nor harmed, thankfully. Now, five years later, though the frequency of face time has significantly reduced since we no longer work together, I still feel the same about this bunch. One friend once said — from the outside looking in — this bunch is my found family. And as cliche as it sounds, it truly feels like that.

This past few days I thought about feeling FOMO. I used to have chronic FOMO. I think about feeling insecure and wanting to make friends. Being a pathological people pleaser, I tend to say “yes” to anything. Even when I’m tired or not feeling it, I would agree. Because disagreeing makes me feel like a difficult person. But growing older makes me protect myself so much more. I still tend to please people, yes but I do that much less now. I am okay with saying “maybe next time” “not tonight, I'm tired" because all I want to do is go home.

I also don’t get offended anymore if I’m not invited. Some seats aren’t meant for you, and that’s okay. I have learned to know that when I am not invited or included, it’s often not personal. I used to feel unworthy or unlikeable when I was not invited. And that’s my own insecurities talking. Early 20s were tough, trying to form strong loving relationship with myself. I’ve battled many and insecurities, often invisible to others. It’s deep-rooted, and takes time to heal. But learning myself has been the most rewarding part of adulthood. 

I love socializing, I really do, but not all the time. I realized, I have started to choose which conversations I would want to engage with. I may love hanging out with you and talking to you, but there will be days I don’t feel like doing any of that. Most times it does not have anything to do with the person, but rather the substance of conversation itself. If it does not concern me, or if it will drain my energy, i would rather not get myself involved. I know I may end up protecting my peace too much, but at this age, that’s literally what i need. I appreciate people, experiences and conversations that add to me, not drain me.

What a tiring work week. I am grateful to be tired and drained from a job that pays my bills but am I close to retiring age yet?

#TGIF: etched between pages

You scribbled in my notebook once,
leaving a mark that forever etched itself
between the pages of my life.

Now I flip through other notebooks,
searching for any trace of existence, of remembrance—
knowing it will never happen again.
Not with you,
not with anyone who passes through.

Still, my muscles, bones, mind, and soul
keep wishing—quietly, stubbornly—
that one day,
I’ll find a familiar scribble again,

on a fresh page, a couple of years down.
But this time, it won’t burn—
it will feel like coming home.

- AZ

#TGIF: what happens when i'm happy?

Writer’s block can happen -- especially when there are deadlines to follow. I keep a strict schedule of posting every Friday, so I often need new ideas fast. But sometimes, the words just don’t flow.

At this point, I’d like to consider myself a writer -- self-proclaimed, yes. Writing has become part of my DNA. I love putting my feelings into words; it helps me regulate my emotions and discover myself along the way. Though most of what I write are personal reflections, I do hope people find comfort in them, that they see parts of themselves through my thoughts. Honestly, I can’t imagine not writing.

I once read that to be a good writer, you must read widely and deeply. I take that as my lifelong homework. To always read, relate, and learn. Writing isn’t as effortless as people might think. It’s rarely just a brain dump. It’s often planned, outlined, and intentionally crafted -- though nine times out of ten, it’s also emotionally woven.

Lately, though, I’ve felt stuck. Uninspired, even. I can write, but the words don’t feel as deep. They skim the surface -- safe, shallow, unrooted. I’ve gone back and forth, starting drafts I never finish because none of them feel right, or good enough, or at least appropriate to share.

It upsets me sometimes. Is this why writers keep ten drafts ready, just to pull one out when inspiration runs dry?

I’ve realized I write best when I’m most vulnerable -- when I’m in the thick of sadness, grief, or immense joy. But I’m not always in those extremes. So what happens when I’m somewhere in between?